New York, NY 10012
Mr. Russell Andrews
Book Critic Extraordinaire
Orem, UT 84097
November 28, 2010
Dear Most Honorable and Esteemed Mr. Andrews:
Please accept our sincerest and most deferential apologies for the doggerel that we tried to pass off as the third installment of Susan Collins’ The Hunger Games series. We realize the disappointment that you must have felt when the highly anticipated conclusion of Ms. Collins’ trilogy turned out to be the crudest piece of rubbish that we could print and still refer to as a “book”.
Having read the first two novels in the series, you are of course aware of Ms. Collins’ ample talents as an author, despite this latest fiasco. We too must share in the immense blame; by pressuring her to complete Mockingjay by the lucrative August deadline, we effectively replaced her eyeballs with dollar signs and her brain with a piggy bank. We regretfully acknowledge that this last book reads like a poorly-scripted Shayamalan movie on 8X fast forward—skipping from scene to scene with reckless abandon but without coherent thought or cogent prose. Thus a promising series comes to an ignominious end.
As a gesture of concern over this matter, and in an effort to restore your faith in our business, we would like to send you an autographed copy of every Newbery Award-winning novel, first published in 1922. In cases where authors have died and autographed copies are otherwise unavailable, we will exhume the bodies and guide the skeletal hands in an exact replica of the author’s signature. We hope this act of contrition may begin to appease your quite understandable wrath.
With our most penitent regards,
Former Book-fair Company of Choice