Dog Food For Thought

Here are two simple rules that should always be followed:

• People should not be treated like dogs.
• Dogs should not be treated like people.

First off, it drives me crazy to see people treated like animals, even in a kindly way. It is so demeaning. Never talk to a person the same way you would talk to your dog, either in the sick baby-talk way or the command form. Don't say the words "Good boy" or "Here girl" to a human being. Do not ever pat someone on the head.

Secondly, do not treat your dog like a person. My friend is dog-sitting for her boss this weekend, which to me should mean making sure that it hasn't run away and that it gets some food every now and then. Not in this case. Apparently, this dog can't bear to be alone for more than four or five hours at a time, so my friend has to stop by 4-5 times a day. As she explained to me, "The family is really wealthy, so the daughter is spoiled and the dog even more so." Money or not, a dog that high-maintenance deserves a rolled-up newspaper to the side of its carefully manicured head.

My friend received further instructions to put a sweater on the dog if it was cold outside (I have long held the opinion that people who dress their dogs are on the far side of crazy) and that if the mutt gets lonely during the night then it has permission to sleep on the bed where my friend was sleeping. There are certain principles that should never be crossed, and babying a dog like that is one of them.

From the Dissing Your Dog Infomercial on SNL: "Oh sorry, Snoopy. I know you wanted prime rib...Let's just go with the Alpo. I know it's not your first choice, but keep in mind, you're a f***ing dog."